There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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