I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
As shirtless as possible
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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