Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
