Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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