I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
