Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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