VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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