Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
