I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
