I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
