I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
