I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
