she woke up with a sticky ear
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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