the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
