I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Randomize
