Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
