I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
