So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
