so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Randomize
