Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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