So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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