4 words: hood of his car
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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