you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
