I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
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