I like to think it a success when the cops are called
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize