So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
