I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
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