and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
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