Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
The convent might be a nice break from real life
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
