Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
