i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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