It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
