I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Randomize
