"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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