I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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