Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
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