I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
