So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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