I faked an abortion last night.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Randomize
