I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
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