She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Randomize
