I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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