I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
