There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
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