I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Randomize
