I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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