I just cut my nipple shaving
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Randomize
