do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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