Im at strip club and am horny
i permit you to call me
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
