She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
