you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize