Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize