Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
