Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize