Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
Randomize
