I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Randomize
