im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
