Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
