Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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